hahahahahahahah! okay well i was just reading my last blogs that i posted almost a year ago!

man. i was EMO.

well i am colorado with alexandra and her family and my mom and james's mom and james and james's foriegn exchange student ziomeck from poland!!!

so idk if anyone does xanga anymroe since myspace came around but i was just sitting at alex's aunts house chillin, i think i am about to go smoke and get ready for bed because tomrrow we're going snowboarding in Breckenridge. Alex's cuz just told me about South Park being close to there, like the show yanno?? well i dont really watch the show but i know james does so maybe he would like dat!

WOW. Colorado is GREAT! its freaking BEAUTIFUL!

anyways alex just let one out and it really stinks so Im GONNA GO!!!!

EEWWWW!!

In the Depths of All That is Broken

right now, i feel empty. I am worried that i am becoming depressed again... I am scared, anyone who has ever gone through depression knows what it's like... I don't want it but everything is getting to me, guys, friends, family, me. I am screwing up a lot lately, idk what to do... I have so many friends that have helped me throughout the years leaving this summer, some I will see again long from now, some, maybe never... the thought scares me, who will I look to for moral support when i need it? who will I call when my emotions go crazy and I need a good talk? What is going to happen to them? I wish I could hold on to them forever, I wish that I wouldn't loose some of them so soon, so i could make up the time I lost.

I am scared of summer, i mean i want it to come yeahh of course, but, ever since two summers ago, I've been scared considering that I went through a lot of depression that summer because a lot of my friends deserted me, a lot of change happened and I wasnt ready for it... a lot of change is gonna happen this summer and I want to be ready for it, but i am not good with change.

Someone I care about a lot is upset with me, I hate when people are upset with me, they graduate this year, I hope they don't see me as a bitch forever, i wasn't trying to be a bitch, I was just trying to make him understand, and in the process, I got misunderstood, of course. I hate it!

Whats wrong with me? why do I have to be so... whiney? about everything? I seem to get this way when I am alone, when i start thinking about things, and i havent been alone much this week until now and I am starting to think about things, and here I am still trying to tell my brain to shut up, but it aint listening, like always...

what to do? what to do?

Jillio

Currently Listening Stars of Cctv By Hard-Fi see related

HAPPY EASTER you's guys!

UPdating after so long.

Update numero 1. the wonderful Justin and I are back together and boy is it going great. I don't think I've ever been this happy with a guy and I really want this to last. He is a great person and I would do anything for him

Update numer 2. I now have a job at the exciting Pizza Hut, haha did I just say exciting? someone shoot me lol jk. Nahh it aint too bad, the people who work there are pretty cool and I am making some hard earned cash sooo you guys should come up there to see me and maybe I shall be  yo waitress  , yeah and i like big ole tips hehe lol

Update numero 3. School has been dead as a dorn nail, OAP and Tennis are over, i made 2nd in JV District, I got beat by Jenn, who is also from Gville and a very skilled tennis player, it was an extremely close match but i will spare ya'll the details.

OAP didn't go anywhere... No comment.

Well lets seee, is that about it? Taks is this week, stupid standardized testing! I HATE THEM!!!

oh well. summer is almost here, i can feel it! and boy, is it gonna be great huh?

Jillio

Currently Listening Andrea Bocelli - Amore By Andrea Bocelli see related

- Because We Believe

Like stars that cross the sky

I am felling this weird kinda mellowed out mood today. I don't know if I should blame all the classical and operactic music I've been listening to today or just certain turn of events. I am not really sure, all I know is that I am not really liking this. I mean yea its great to see that I have a calm side but I have that feeling that I just don't care anymore about anything. My only goal as of now is having a fullfilling life and not spend all of my high school years worrying about stupid things like relationships. Something will come in time, I know something will. I am still looking for myself somewhere out in that sea of people, I think I am getting closer to finding me but I am scared I might not like what I find...

Maybe I just don't want to grow up?

But I am not scared of growing up, I'm just gonna miss being a kid. Nothing mattered when I was 7 years old, today, every little thing causes a problem, I can't just cry about something for a minute and then be okay... It takes longer.

I need to lighten up, I have great friends, great family... just, there's that one thing, but it's gotta come soon. I am gonna quit looking. Just wait... I thought i found it, but I guess I was mistaken and I made a mistake that ruined it. So no more, I am done until I find that one. That one person who makes every little thing in life seem great. Someone who can communicate with me on every different level of my intirests. Someone who can look at the stars with me while listening to classical music and love every moment of it... haha, that's what I want. I had it and I messed it up for myself, so now i gotta pick up the pieces and walk on. There's a whole world out there, waiting, and I wanna make the life it's given me great to last minute if whenever possible, this is my last night I am gonna give myself to cry over this stupid stuff and viola! tomorrow morning will be fresh as ever and I will be a new person, I hope...

Jillio

Currently Listening With Love and Squalor By We Are Scientists see related

Life is a CrAzY thing!

-The night is still and I stand alone, thinking upon the process of all of this confusion.

There is anger there is hate and I look into the rebuking and wonder how just hours before, these men were friends and now sheer enemies.-

It's hard to tell someone's feelings behind a mask, so many words are unspoken, especially in a friendship.

We are scared to hurt or anger the person we care about most, but then the thoughts keep piling up until we blow up and all is lost.

Friendships are hard to maintain, they come and go like seasons. Some stay and talk others don't even acknowledge your existence most of the time.

How can people so close become complete strangers in the process of days? Was it really a friendship to begin with if it was so easy to end?
I have always been curious about these kinds of things, I am always worried about doing something wrong, me being the bad friend, me not doing something right even when it's not me at all. I care so much for All of my friends,  But in the end I still know that some will stay and some will go and there is nothing I can really do about it, I've tried before and it doesnt help, it's the process of life and it is going to happen to everyone. It's just how you deal with it that makes a difference. I just gotta realize that its not always my fault, that i am not always doing something wrong but, it's more of a thing I can't really help, not by myself anyways.

and to you guys, most of whom i know very well, cherish the friendships you have because you dont know what may happen in the future but what you have now with them is special and may it always be.

Jillio